I want to applaud all of the women whose husbands travel regularly and often. I don’t know how you do it. Like everything else in life, I’m sure you get used to it, but it can’t be easy. Whether he travels on frequent short trips for business, or the much harder, longer deployments for the military, I know I couldn’t do it. Maybe in my younger, carefree, childless days, perhaps. But definitely not now. My hat is off to you all.
My own husband just returned from his annual golf trip. Once a year, and only for 5 days and nights, he heads south to hit the links. I know, I know, no sympathy deserved here. But over the course of those five days, I discovered a few things about myself and my marriage.
Leading up to this trip, I was honestly looking forward to it. (Shhh, don’t tell my husband!) After the holidays, January and February bring with them a funk. This year, that funk was topped with about three feet of snow. We all were suffering from lack of fresh air and exercise, cabin fever, and too much together time, thanks to Christmas break followed by umpteen snow days. I was cranky, my husband was moody, and my kids were driving us both bonkers. So I was looking forward to this trip to give us some needed space to breathe.
Besides, I used to live alone. I loved those years of having my own place with only my two cats for company. I wasn’t worried a bit. In fact, I started thinking about all of the great things about having the house and the kids to myself for the next week. This would be great!!
There really are some great things about having your husband away from home for a while.
- Easy Dinners! Ask any mom and she’ll tell you, we’re really happy with a bowl of cereal or a salad for dinner most nights. Fix the kids some easy pizza, chicken nuggets, or mac n cheese and call it a night. No meal planning, grocery shopping, prep, cooking, or clean-up required. Whoopie!!!!
- Post-Bedtime Quiet. Once the kids are in bed, the house is MINE. They won’t notice that I’ve turned all the clocks ahead by half an hour to push that a little earlier, right? No discussing plans, house issues, small talk. Just peace and quiet. Pure bliss.
- Control of the Remote. I can watch Downton Abbey, cheesy 80′s movies, or as many reruns of Grey’s Anatomy as I want without anyone scoffing, complaining, or interjecting with jabs about this “special, touching episode.” I have absolute control and refuse to watch Top Gear, golf, or the history of man’s finest inventions.
- Full Stretch on the Sofa. Yes! I can take up all three cushions to myself and stretch out from end to end in complete and utter relaxation!
- Clean, Tidy Bathroom. I love my bathroom when he’s gone. No cans of shaving cream left on the sink, no razors falling out of his toiletry bag, and the bathmat and towels are hung neatly, and the shower curtain is perfectly draped every time I enter. My absolute favorite here, though, is that I can actually see myself in the mirror because it no longer has that smeared streak down the center of it from him wiping away the shower steam to shave. Clean, tidy, and just the way I like it.
- The Whole Bed. Our rooms are too small to fit a king size bed, so we share a queen. Without him here, I can sprawl right across that nice, firm bump in the middle that hasn’t sagged yet and not worry about hogging anything. All the covers and pillows are mine, all mine. Let the peaceful slumber take me away!
Except, my slumber isn’t all that peaceful and I begin to realize that it’s nice to have him around.
- Late Nights. I stay up way too late when my husband is away. No clue why, but I do, every single night.
- Snacking. While I’m staying up way to late, I find myself snacking before bed. I know this is a terrible habit, yet I do it anyway. Maybe I miss running my mouth, chatting with him before bed and have to keep my lips busy. I don’t know. I just know that I’d be huge if he was away any longer than a week.
- No Alarm. I haven’t set my own alarm clock in years. My husband’s alarm goes off, waking us both up as he gets ready for work and I get ready to get the kids off to school. Late nights plus no alarm equals an unhappy, very rushed morning.
- Household Duties. I do just about everything for the house indoors as far as cleaning, cooking, and basic upkeep. But my husband does the outside stuff. When a storm dumped another 5 inches of snow, topped with a wet coating of ice and sleet, I didn’t have him here with the snow blower, clearing our driveway, steps, and walkway. So I had to shovel all of that very heavy, wet stuff myself in order to get the car out. I have a new hatred for snow plows after sobbing my way through the sludge they pushed to barricade us in. When is he coming home again?
- Single Parenting. I do most of the parenting on my own anyway in our family, due to the fact that my husband commutes to the city for work. He leaves at 6:30 every morning and isn’t home until 7:30 most nights. But even with that schedule, I didn’t realize how much he helps with the kids in those few hours that he does have. All of the help, discipline, and bedtime routines fell to me this week, making me miss having him here.
- Restless Sleep. Although this is the same house in which I sleep every single night, when my husband is gone, every noise wakes me up and starts my heart to racing. Before bed, I bring my cell phone with me instead of leaving it charging in the kitchen. I triple check every door lock and window, and generally get myself in a horror-movie panic, imagining every demon and ne’er-do-well coming to get me. Suddenly having this bed to myself doesn’t sound so good.
After the first two days, the luster has worn off and I need my husband back home. I am a sleep-deprived nutcase, holding it together for the sake of my kids.
- Snow Sucks. (and perhaps my attitude does, too.) I think the weatherman predicting more snowfall during my husband’s drive home should be hanged with his own ugly tie. If one more snowflake falls on my shoveled walkway, I’m buying a flame thrower.
- Empty Bed. My covers are cold and my nightmares are haunting me. I need my husband home to reach out and touch in the middle of the night.
- Kissless. They may not be the steamy smooches of romance novels, but I really miss morning kisses as he walks out the door, evening kisses when he comes home from work, and good night kisses before bed. I am kissless. Even my lips miss him.
- Kids Who Miss Their Daddy. My kids adore my husband. He is a great father. Hearing my daughter say how much she misses Daddy is breaking my heart. I can’t wait for him to come home so he can see just how much he is loved.
- Post-Bedtime Quiet. Once something I looked forward to, now it’s just too quiet. All other noises are amplified and it makes this big house feel so empty. I never knew I could feel such extreme isolation in the comfort of my own home. There are four people living here, yet it is so very lonely.
- Missing His Wit. Control over the TV remote is great, but I actually miss my husband’s sharp wit and silly puns. No one makes me laugh and smile as much as he can. I miss his company so much.
- Feeling Incomplete. When he is gone, I feel like part of me is missing. After so many years together, we have become like two slivers of soap in the shower, slowly molding ourselves around each other until we’re one solid chunk. We may be worn around the edges, and a little soggy from overuse, but we work best when together. Separate us, and neither piece is enough to get the job done on its own. But together, we’re a fresh, clean whole.
I suppose absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Each trip away proves to me that I married the absolutely perfect man for me. It’s not just missing someone when he’s gone; I miss everything about who he is. The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, and everything in between. He’s home again and I am whole again.
Staring at an empty page
tears rolling down his chin.
He sighs, frustrated,
thinking that I don’t understand him.
I want to tell him that I know
exactly how he feels.
I want to hug him, comfort him
assist with this ordeal.
Instead I stand one room away
just peeking in to see
if he has started working yet,
but I can’t let him see me.
He needs to puzzle through this,
Needs to get there on his own.
He needs to learn how to begin,
so he can get it done.
He’s only eight, in second grade,
hating both homework and me.
It’s not that I don’t want to help;
I just need to let him be.
I need to let him flail and fret;
I need to let him be upset.
I need to watch him struggle.
If it’s too easy, he’ll forget.
Once this is finally finished,
I know he’ll stomp and fuss.
He’ll claim how much he just hates school,
and even, possibly, us.
But when it’s over, he will know
that he completed this task.
And any future hurdles
won’t be too much to ask.
By butting out, a room away,
I just hope he learns
The best rewards cannot be given;
No, they must be earned.
I hope someday that he will know,
deep down in his heart,
that all things become possible.
You only have to start.
I wrote this poem after reading the following phenomenal article from Forbes, 7 Crippling Parenting Behaviors That Keep Children From Growing Into Leaders. I am guilty of more than half of these things, so I still have a long way to go.
I was sick of this story before I even read a single word. After cheering for the Broncos, I watched the first half of the Seahawks v 49ers game, then kicked my husband and son down to the basement to watch the rest because my DVR was busy recording Downton Abbey and Revenge, so we couldn’t watch a third show. I don’t have a dog in this Superbowl race this year. My Giants were out of it in the first month of the season. My Panthers lost the previous week. So I was down to rooting for Peyton Manning and former Panthers coach, John Fox.
It wasn’t until I received a call from my girlfriend about this whole Richard Sherman thing that I actually knew it had happened. (Yes, husbands. Your wives actually had a phone conversation about football. You may consider yourselves lucky.)
When I watched the video interview, I was predictably disgusted and disappointed. What a missed opportunity. This cornerback could have been featured on every sports page, every social media outlet, even every front page headline for being a fantastic role model, or even an eloquent spokesperson. But no, instead, he used his five seconds on camera to exemplify selfishness, arrogance and ego. What a missed opportunity.
I chatted with my husband about how frustrating it was for my friend, who is striving to supply her athletic son with positive role models. We ended up agreeing that this was as much Sherman’s fault as it was the network’s and the team’s. These interviews are arranged beforehand, with full knowledge that they are giving the spotlight to a trash-talker with a bad reputation. It was obvious that this was simply a ratings ploy. And it worked. Here we are, talking about it, just like they wanted.
I wasn’t planning to spout off about it at all until today, when I read some of the articles defending Sherman. Specifically, this BlogHer article, claiming to offer a mother’s perspective, and this HuffPost piece, which brushes the broadest stroke to say that America is upset because Sherman is from Compton and we don’t like outsiders.
First, as a mother of three, I can 100% accurately claim that no, neither I nor my children have ever proclaimed ourselves as the “best ever” after a game. Not in our house. Not on a field. And certainly not in a public forum, much less on national television. Why? It’s not because we are repressed, or self-doubting. It’s because we were taught better. Our parents, teachers, coaches, and communities instilled in us a sense of good sportsmanship that precludes this kind of angry, self-aggrandizing showboating.
As a mother, I say, yes, encourage kids to celebrate. But teach kids humility, even in the heat of the moment. No, especially in the heat of the moment.
Pride in accomplishment is absolutely encouraged, but awareness and acknowledgement of a team effort should never be overlooked. Whether it’s a great play in a football game, a win in a spelling bee, or an award for a scouting achievement, teach kids to be aware of and acknowledge those who didn’t win in a way that shows you appreciate them for the competition. I wouldn’t allow my kid to behave like Sherman did, even on the sideline. But if my son ever spewed that garbage from his mouth to a camera, I’d have him suffering punishments and serving time in some way that ensured a new-found appreciation for the losers.
Sherman’s charitable actions and scholarly achievements off the field only serve to bolster my point. Sherman is an underdog. If we’re talking winners and losers, he began as the latter. It’s great that he has worked his way up to the former, but he of all people should know better than to perch himself too high to fall.
As for What Richard Sherman Taught Us About America, this drivel spouts that our citizenry is too prejudiced to accept this kind of behavior because of where Sherman grew up. On the contrary, I believe the fact that Richard Sherman was given a microphone at the end of his most successful game in his career states otherwise. We simply were hoping for something worthwhile to come out of his mouth. Instead, we got his ego, up close.
I feel like every HuffPost author seems to think we are all too selfish and should give more to others, that we are bad people for wanting to keep anything that we have earned or enjoy the fruits of our labors. But how do you justify the hypocrisy of sharing and equality and boosting our fellow man versus championing Sherman’s selfish, glory-hogging, rant? Have we lowered our standards to the point where we should be honoring him simply because he hasn’t been arrested?
I don’t think Sherman taught us anything about being Americans. I think Sherman sets a perfect example of what not to do for our kids and our country. If Sherman is a lesson on class, I don’t think the lesson is that we don’t accept those from lower-class upbringings. Instead, Sherman’s lesson is that we all should show a little more class when opening our mouths to a national audience.
Class doesn’t come from money; it comes from character. There are millions of rags to riches achievers who had class long before they had success. Being a Stanford graduate and donating money to charities shows drive and generosity. But it doesn’t show class. Using your five seconds to shout and cheer excitement for your team, your city, the sport, that would have been nice. Using it to nod your head to your competitors in a gracious way could have been a real example of class. Instead, Sherman erased everything we know about his achievements and his philanthropy and showed the world an example of having no class.
No, this one clip does not define the whole man. At least, I hope not. I hope that, in addition to whatever apologies he makes for this moment of diarrhea-mouth, he shows better judgement in his future actions. Empty words of apology are far too common in the news. However, learning from this and showing real class in future moments could teach everyone a bit about true progress.
We all know that parents worry. From the instant the pregnancy test reads positive, there is a sinking realization that, despite thinking we had all the answers just five minutes ago, we now know for a fact that we truly know NOTHING.
Parenthood is the ultimate equalizer. Unfortunately, everyone else does such a good job faking it, that we each suffer a silent misery, thinking we are the only parents without a clue. However, even though there are stacks upon stacks of parenting books out written by so-called “experts,” we all end up figuring out this parenting gig on our own, mostly by trial and error.
That original worry from the early stage of diaper changes, feedings, and sleep deprivation becomes both stronger and weaker with each passing phase. We learn to take things in stride and try to save our freak-outs for bigger issues.
Likewise, when you have subsequent children, your worries over your crappy parenting become both bigger and smaller, too. We know what worked and what didn’t with bottles or breasts, but we panic when we worry that we’ll have to divide our time and attention among multiple kids.
We try to balance our efforts between kids, while learning from our mistakes and experience. Suddenly, we realize that, because we are learning on the job, we are not parenting each of our children the exact same way. Guilt over taking time and attention away from our first-born morphs into guilt that we have screwed up our oldest worse than his younger siblings.
I’ve always told my oldest that he has the toughest job in the family because he is the one who has to teach me how to be a mom. Yet, just yesterday, I had the first inkling that maybe an experienced mom does not always equal a better mom.
My middle child had a playdate after school, during which they mostly watched TV and played a video game. Sure, there was snack time and Lego time mixed in, too, but the majority was TV and computer. If that had been my oldest child when he was in second grade, I would have announced, “Okay guys. No more screen time. Go play outside or upstairs for a while.”
It was that realization that made me wonder, “How does birth order affect how I parent? Am I really doing right by my younger kids?”
I mean, we all joke about how crazy we were with our first babies compared to our younger kids. Dropped pacifier? Wipe it on a pant leg — third kid! Missed nap time? Oh well, she had to tag along to soccer practice. Even diaper commercials use that theory in advertising.
We like to think that we “get the hang of it” and are better for our experience. But are we really being better parents? Or just lazier?
The truth is, we can’t tell which way of parenting is better or worse. Is my oldest such a worrier because he picks up on my unease over the unknowns of all of his firsts? Or am I raising a slacker kid in his younger brother who has learned how to manipulate me more expertly? Will my daughter be spoiled and vain because I raise her as my last baby?
It’s no longer a question of “Am I screwing them up?” It’s become more a worry of “Which one am I screwing up the worst?”
I guess we can’t ever really know the answers until they’re grown and charging us for their therapist bills. I only hope that, by then, they’ll realize that it was all just a giant crap shoot for us as parents. That our intentions were good and always driven by love, and pride, and a little bit of fear.
I just hope they know that, no matter how much we worried over parenting them fairly, there was never any limit to how greatly we love each of them.
I am not good at sticking to resolutions. Never have been. I have great ideas, and usually start out well, but I am a creature of habit, and habits are really hard to break. However, I do think it’s a good idea to look inward and see the many ways in which I can improve and become a better person. That is not to say that I am unhappy or that resolutions are a way of making us feel bad about ourselves. But the New Year is a fresh start and I could use a few of those. So here I go. I’ll try to check in every three months or so with a progress report to see how I’m doing.
I got this idea after reading it on Amy’s Real Life. Thanks for the idea, Amy!
Resolutions for 2014
1. Follow Through – If I make plans, I will do my best to stick to them. I’ve become a bit of a homebody and would rather stay home than go out. So friends, I’m enlisting your help. If I say I’ll go, then try to back out, call me on it.
2. Limit Computer Time – When I do get spare minute, my instinct is to reach for the computer. Often I’ll put off the kids for 5 mins (or an hour) because I’m caught up reading something online, or checking Facebook or email. 5 minutes too easily becomes 45 minutes for me, and other things around the house suffer, too. I need to put time limits on my own computer use, just like I do for my kids.
3. Get Outside – I am a fair-weather runner, which means I’m only exercising outside in Spring and Fall. My body and my mind need more time spent with nature. Whether it’s a walk around our neighborhood, a hike in the woods, or simply playing basketball or hockey in the driveway with the kids, I need to spend more time outside.
4. Knit Something - I know, I’m not eighty years old, but when the kids got their Rainbow Looms, I realized that I like the catharsis creating something with my hands. Last month, I started a test square and it’s almost finished, albeit with many many mistakes. I’d like to start a real knitting project, even if it’s something as simple as a scarf. Maybe if I start now, it’ll be finished in time to give as a gift next Christmas!
5. Listen to more music – I love music. All holiday season long, I’d tune into the OnDemand music channel and listen to Christmas songs. I get more done with music playing. It boosts my mood and spurs me onto to accomplish more things. I need to turn on the tunes more often in the house.
6. Take guitar lessons – My son wants to learn and so do I. I’ve had an acoustic for almost ten years, but I can only play the intro to Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive.” I want to learn chords and how to read guitar music. Anyone know of a good local guitar instructor?
7. Write my next book - Or, at the very least, START it! I’ve had the idea for my next book for months now, but haven’t written a single word. With all of the indoor time I’m facing now this winter, I resolve to get it done. Or at least started.
8. Teach More, Do Less – This one is a parenting skill I need to improve. With three kids under the age of 10, I tend to do more FOR the kids in the interest of saving time and mess. Whether it’s shoe-tying, taking out the garbage, setting the table, or cooking, I tend to be a control freak. I know that I’ll do it the right way, so I just do it all myself. Then I get angry that no one helps out around the house. My fault. My daughter is the “Teach Me!” kid and she’s reminding me just how capable children are if we simply show them how. I need to slow down and teach.
9. Make my bed every day – Seems silly as an adult to have this as a resolution, but I need it. On days that I make the bed first thing when I wake up, the day seems to go more smoothly. Maybe it’s seeing that one, restful space, all neat and tidy when so many other areas of my house and my life are a cluttered mess that puts me in a good mood. I don’t know. But I need to make the bed every day.
10. Get a colonoscopy - Yuck, I know. But as my family reminded me over the holidays, colon cancer took my maternal grandmother way too young. I was shocked to know that every one of my cousins had already done this. I need to get on the ball.
11. Go skiing - I used to LOVE skiing. I learned when I was 4 years old and went all the time. I was on the ski team in high school and even coached my racers when I was a teacher. It shames me to admit this, but I haven’t been skiing for over 13 years. I need to get my kids on skis and teach them how much fun shooshing down the slopes can be.
12. Keep receipts – I did an okay job of creating a tax folder this year for things like medical records and charity donations, but I need to be better at remembering to put everything in that folder. Tax season comes and I know I’m throwing away money with all of the missing receipts.
13. Eat more veggies – I love vegetables. When I actually make the effort to cut up raw veggies or prepare cooked ones in tasty ways, I eat a ton of them. It’s not that much effort, but I need to focus on getting more veggies into my diet.
14. Keep an indoor plant alive - Plants are supposed to be good for healthy air. I like plants. I just tend to kill them. So I’m going to see if I can find an indoor plant that I like and remember to water it enough to keep it alive.
15. De-Clutter – This one goes on every resolution list every year. I guess it will continue to show up until I get it under control. I have too many piles of everything (mail, folded laundry, books, etc.) on too many surfaces. When my house is clutter-free, my mind is clearer. This is one for my whole family to tackle.
16. Find and hang curtains - We’ve been in this house over 7 years and still only have sheers on our dining room windows. I’m too picky. I need to finally just choose from what’s out there and buy and hang them.
17. Drink water every night – When I remember to do this, it really helps. One full glass of water before bed really helps me to sleep better and wake up feeling refreshed. I’ve heard it’s good for your skin, too. I need to do this every single night.
18. Figure out how to use the Cloud and give each kid their own Apple ID – We currently all share one iTunes Apple ID (mine) and I’ve done that on purpose so I can get notifications and see everything that the kids do on their ipods, etc. However, syncing iTunes, games, and keeping track of everything is getting difficult. I need to learn how to use the technology we have to make life easier, not harder.
19. Schedule real date nights with my husband - My parents have offered to babysit the kids for an overnight once a month. We know this, yet our schedules tend to get so crazy that we don’t make it happen. We need to go out, just the two of us, as least once a month. We love each other and date night helps us remember why.
20. Set-up my coffee maker every night - I insisted on a programmable coffee maker so I could set it to brew my coffee every morning on a timer. I love waking up to a fresh, hot cup of coffee every morning. However, it only works if I set it up the night before! There’s that follow-through thing again.
What do you resolve to do this year?
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Thanks to all who have visited in 2013! I hope to bring more fun and interesting stuff in 2014!
Happy New Year, everyone!!
See how this year compares to previous years: