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Real Moms

April 1, 2009

I planned to post this during the month of May in honor of Mother’s Day, but on second thought, I find it better placed here in April. The month of fools. Let’s face it, this motherhood gig isn’t exactly the most glamorous job in the world. Many days it leaves us looking and feeling quite foolish with the things we have to do for the sake of our kids.

But these acts are what make us all REAL moms. We’re not the perfect Hollywood moms we watch on TV. We’re Real Moms. We do silly, foolish, and even disgusting things all in the name of motherhood.

So I’m running this in April. Print it out, hang it on your fridge and let it serve as a reminder to those who will be shopping for you on Mother’s Day just how much you have to endure. So, here it is. My salute the most glamorous women I know: Real Moms!

Let’s play a little game of “Have You Ever…” in tribute to the best job on the face of the earth. See how many items on the “skill set” below you have done and give yourself a much-deserved pat on the back (not to mention a shower)!!

Have you ever…

…worn a spit-up stained shirt all day long?

…done the finger swipe to empty your child’s mouth of chewed food?

…gone more than two days without a shower?

…picked up a dropped pacifier and sucked off the dirt so you could give it back to your baby?

…held your hand out for a “surprise” from your toddler, only to have him wipe a booger in your palm?

…taken chewed gum or food from your child, looked around for a garbage can, and had to eat it yourself if none was available?

…been peed on?

…fished a poop out of a bathtub with your bare hands?

…used your hands to catch as much vomit or spit-up as you could so it wouldn’t go all over the place?

…gagged while wiping a poopy bottom?

…played a game of airplane with your baby only to get a big stream of drool in the eye?

…carried a pee-soaked toddler to the nearest bathroom after an accident?

The list really does go on and on, but you get the idea!

Now let’s see where you stand on the Real Mom gauge.

If you answered “yes” to 1 or 2 of these things, congratulations and welcome! You must be a new mom. Don’t worry, you’ll be as disgusting as the rest of us soon enough!

If you answered “yes” to 3 or 4 of these, you have earned the much-coveted title of “Real Mom”! You may be gross on a daily basis, but it’s apparent that it’s all for love.

If you answered “yes” to 5 or more of these, then you are not only a “Real Mom,” you must also have a whole litter of kids in your house, like I do. (And yes, having more than two children gives you license to grossly exaggerate and refer to said children as “a litter.”)

No matter what level of “Real Mom” you are, if you can sit and nod your head and laugh in spite of yourself as you read this list, then you are most definitely part of the club! We love our kids, but man can they be gross!

Here’s to all of you out there. Smile along, enjoy the ride and continue to keep it real!!

(First published on “Because I Said So” in TheAlternativePress.)

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