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Inner Monologue of a Pregnancy Scare

September 22, 2012

Something happens to a woman in the midst of a pregnancy scare.  It doesn’t matter if she is a teenager, a career woman, or a mother three times over.  When faced with a late period and all that might mean, if she doesn’t want to be pregnant, all logic and reason take a screaming departure and what’s left is a puddle of scattered thoughts and emotions.  It goes something like this.

Day 28 – Ground Zero

Oh great, I’m supposed to get my period today.  Couldn’t Mother Nature have come up with a cleaner, easier way to have babies?

Day 29 – 1 Day Late

Awesome!!!  It would have been so inconvenient today!

Day 30 – 2 Days Late

Wow, maybe I calculated wrong.  Not that I’m complaining — no muss, no fuss!

Day 31 – 3 Days Late

Sigh.  Three kids later and my cycle is so screwy.  I used to like being like clockwork. I hate waiting and not knowing.

Day 32 – 4 Days Late

Morning:

Alright, four days, is it?  Let me double-check the calendar.  7, 14, 21, 28…29, 30, 31, 32…NO.  No, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!  This can’t be happening.  Have I ever been this late before?  Why aren’t I better about keeping track from other months?  Holy cr*p; I canNOT have another kid!! I am barely sane now with the three that I have.  I’m looking at my last year of having a preschooler.  I am SO DONE!  This has got to be a mistake.  I’m going to get it today.  There is NO WAY. It’s coming, it’s got to come.

Later that morning:

Was that a cramp?  Yes!!  It was!  Hallelujiah!! …..Oh damn, just gas.  Shoot, this better come today.

Afternoon:

If I have another baby, I will spend every second of the day feeding short people.  That’s all my life will be.  Prep, cooking, feeding, clean-up, repeat.  “God, pleeeeeeeeeease, let me get my period!”

Late afternoon:

I should call somebody.  This is driving me crazy.  I can’t handle this alone.  No, I can’t call anyone.  All my friends will make me take a pregnancy test and I can’t risk seeing a positive.  Not yet.  Besides, too many of them have had miscarriages or trouble getting pregnant.  They wouldn’t get it.  I’m cancelling my plans.  I can’t be around anyone else.  Can’t get this off my mind and can’t talk about it to anyone either.

Early evening:

We don’t have enough rooms in our house.  Where the he!! would we put another person?!!  Oh God, I feel like I’m going to throw up.  Does that mean I’m pregnant or that I’m stressed out to the point of explosion?  Why the he!! do scared symptoms mirror pregnancy symptoms anyway?  What a freaking sadistic Creator!!!

Two second later:

I’m sorry, God.  Really sorry.  I didn’t mean that.  Please, please, please, please don’t forward that one to Karma.  She doesn’t like me enough already.  In fact, while I’ve got you here, how about a prayer?  “Now I lay me,” wait, I’m not in bed and I’m not 7 years old.  “Our Father, who art….Oh PLEEEEEAASE don’t let me be pregnant, God!!  Please, please, please!  My psyche can’t take it.  My marriage can’t take it.  It’s not fair to the baby.  I’ll forever resent the baby and be mad at my husband for not agreeing to get a vasectomy.  I’m going to miss out on the next two years of my three kids’ lives because I’ll be so bogged down in baby stuff again.  I really can’t do this.  Please don’t let me be pregnant.  Look, I know it’s summer and I’ve been having a drink or two almost every night.  If you let me get my period, I’ll curb it, I promise!  I won’t drink when I’m making dinner, but only at social functions.  Please, please, please, PLEEASE let me get my period, God! Please? In Jesus’ name, I BEG you. Amen.”

After dinner:

Zombie-mode.  Too much emotion today.  Shutting down any feeling.  Just get through the day and maybe it’ll come tomorrow.  “Hi hon, here’s dinner.  It’s been 32 days since my last period and I’m terrified.”

Choke back the tears, the kids are coming.  Don’t talk about it anymore to anyone.  Don’t think it.  Go to bed early.

In bed trying to fall asleep:

Mind over matter.  I can control my body.  Picture that tiny little egg.  Okay, got it.  Now egg…LET GO!!!  Quit holding on.  You’re an uninvited guest.  Let go and come on out.  Time to shed. Consider this your eviction notice.

Middle of the night:

Get up to pee, turn on light to check.  Nothing.  Dammit!!

Tossing and turning:

Didn’t I read some historical fiction where women took Willow Root in the 1700’s?  I wonder if they sell that at natural food stores.

Day 33 – 5 Days Late

If I stay in bed, I’ll never have to face the fact that I might be pregnant.  Look in the mirror.  Does my face look fatter or is that just me?

Couldn’t this all just be PMS?  I’m an emotional wreck. I feel bloated. I have no patience. PLEEEEEEASE let me get it today.

Lunchtime:

Still nothing.  I need a distraction.  Time to take the kids out riding bikes so they don’t wonder why Mommy doesn’t want to leave the house.

Late Afternoon:

Is that a spot?  Am I spotting?  Is this the real thing or implantation spotting? Oh please, say this is it!!

Bedtime:

Nothing else.  Nary a speck for the rest of the day.  Where is the rest of the blood already? I was only joking before, but could this really BE implantation spotting?  Oh no, please no.  Time to pray again.  No wine till vacation, God, if you can just send me my period, okay? Please?  Amen.

Day 34 – 6 Days Late

Early Morning:

Nothing.  Up multiple times last night just to check.  So now I’m cranky, crampy, moody, and tired.  Great.

Late Morning:

The internet says anything more than 5 days is likely a pregnancy.  I should take a test.  I’m terrified to take a test.  I had spotting yesterday, right?  Isn’t that something? I so tired, I can’t figure it out.  Too confusing and too depressing.

Afternoon:

Just finished my shift in childcare room at the gym.  There was a really cute baby that reminded me of my daughter. But I STILL don’t want to be pregnant. Still nothing to show for it but those few spots yesterday. I’d rather be doubled over with pain and heavy hemorrhaging than be pregnant.  Bring on the worst cramps in the history of menstruation.  Just let me get my period!

Late Afternoon:

If I take the kids to the pool tonight, isn’t there a Murphy’s Law that says I am sure to get my period all over the place in an embarrassing way?  I think it’d be worth it.

Day 35 – 7 Days Late

Morning:

It’s been a whole week.  I’m out of denial days.  If there’s no sign of anything today, I have to take a test. Oh God.  Flashback to discovering I was pregnant the second time while on the pill.  That test shocked the he!! out of me and rocked my world to the core.  But now, I look at my son and love him and can’t imagine our family without him.  That’s what this will be like eventually, right?

I need to go wash my face again so my kids won’t know I’ve been crying.

Afternoon:

Cramps.  Really bad cramps.  Please?  Please, let this be true?

Bedtime:

There’s something.  It’s small and I’m not sure, but it HAS to be, right?  Something is happening.  No test today.  Not today. Please, let this be it!

Day 36 — 8 Days Late

HALLELUJIAH!!!  HAAALLELUJIAH!!!! Hallelujiah!  Hallelujiah!  Hal-le-lu-jiah!!!

Yes!  It’s completely normal for me to be singing the Hallelujiah Chorus while scrubbing stains out of my sheets!!  It’s here!  I don’t even care that it came in the middle of the night!  I don’t care that I look like Carrie after prom!  I don’t care that we leave for vacation tomorrow and that I’ll have my period down the shore.  I don’t care!

I’M NOT PREGNANT!!!!!  I’M NOT PREGNANT!!!  I am NOT pregnant!!!!

I can look at my children today and love them for who they are right now.  I won’t see only the nightmares of each one’s infancy.  I don’t have to relive those sleepless nights, constant feedings, diapers, spit-up and extra laundry.

I love my children.  I love my family.  The way that it is.  I am ready for the worst period of my life.  This is less of a period and more like an exclamation point, but it’s entirely worth it.  The baby factory is closed.

After this experience, I am sure that we are done.  I may wistfully look at sweet little babies and adorable toddlers, but I know for sure that I do not want to experience them first-hand again.  Thank God!!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. September 26, 2012 8:39 AM

    I have been meaning to leave a comment here since I first read this post. I have not stopped thinking about it for days, actually. I related to everything you said here. We had a “scare” when Abby was a baby, and it sealed the deal on Robert having the big “V”. You perfectly captured EXACTLY how you feel when it happens. Well done.

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